Friday, May 4, 2012

R.I.P, granny...

two years ago, She went into the Mahkota Medical Centre.
She went for a surgery, all of us were shocked when the doctor informed us about the cancer.
it was serious, as it was around the 2nd-3rd stage of the cancer.
Uncle & aunts insisted not to tell the truth to her.
They were afraid that She will lose all her faith & strength to live.
Hiding the truth from her, which means,
She will not know, and will not have the chance to go thru any treatment.

During that time, I saw how my parents suffered in silence.
They were aftraid, that one day when She knew her disease,
She would blame them, for not telling her the truth.
as my parents were the one that always fetch her to the doctor.
They knew that they have many opportunity to tell the truth, yet, they can't.

2 years later, her cancer cells spread to her nose. Quickly.
From one cancer, to another. She was having Two types of cancers.
She knew the second type of cancer,
but She didn't know the truth that She got the second one because of the first one.
no one tells. not even me.

Chemotherapy in Mahkota. Nose was pretty much okay.
Dad fetched her from Mahkota & picked me up from Ixora to back to Muar.
I talked to her.
I didn't know that, that was the last time I talked to her, when She can still talk,consciously.
but just when her nose was getting better, She faced the terrible stomach problem.
She still couldn't escape from the fact that her cancer cells were still spreading.
She went into the General Hospital in Muar. Stomachache.

Mum informed me that She went into the GH in Muar. I thought it was nothing serious.
but that first week of her in the hospital, made my tears rolling in my eyes.
She was sort of unconscious, I called her, and she can hardly open her eyes.
I wonder why. and I didn't expect it to be worse like this.
She couldn't recognise me even when she was looking at my direction.
I touched her hands.
and I couldn't stop thinking when was the last time I hold her hands ;
when was the last time I look at her so closely.
She was weak, and thin. and that made her look so old.

Second week in the hospital, Tuesday & Wednesday.
She was very conscious,suddenly.
My sister & my mum told me that She talked ALOT of things, like usual.
I was in Malacca, I couldn't see how normal she was, but I thought She's gonna be okay soon.
But when I got back to Muar on Friday, She was back to unconscious.
I wasn't able to talk to her. Her condition was worse than the last time that I saw her.
All I saw was She, gasping for air.

Midnight, dad got a call from the hospital.
so we rushed to the hospital at 4am.
my aunts were there too.
It was so sad hearing from the doctor that, She collapsed.
Her pupils(eyes) were not in the same size, 1 big 1 small.
the doctor said blood might be coming out from the brain.
Heartbeat was irregular, blood sugar was low.
the doctor used the electric shock to trigger her hearbeat, 3 times.

I saw her lying on the bed, and I couldn't stop crying.
She was breathing with the oxygen mask.
so weak. and so thin.
dad and aunts decided to bring her back home.
She wished to be home, so at that time, the only thing that we can do is to fulfil and follow her wish.
Ambulance came, she was brought back to home.
Still gasping for air, with the oxygen mask.
I was in the room with her when she got back to home.
I knew she was waiting, waiting for her son & daughter.

Uncle & aunts reached one by one.
She met all her children on time. Thank God.
I was there until her last breath. right in front of her.
Aunts and uncle kept calling her.
She, was not moving, anymore. 

The funeral was on the Wednesday.
I saw how sad my parents was, especially my dad.
we lost our closest kin. She is not coming back.
Yes, I would say She was the closest one that we have.
The feeling of losing her is different, as compared to losing Waipo.
She was much much much closer to us.

Still remember when we were young, when my parents were busy,
She babysits us.
Morning, we sat in the kitchen drinking her milo,
and She cooked us the lunch and dinner.
Miss her fried eggs, cabbage soup and Hainanese Pork.

Heart aches whenever I know that She will no longer be there open the door for us.
no longer be there sitting on the lazy chair.
no longer be there calling my name wrongly.
no longer be there asking me to bring my boyfriend back.
No more.
The house is empty.
We should always accompany her whenever we can.
We should always stay longer whenever we visit her.

Convinced myself that we all have to let her go, instead of watching her suffering from the pain.
yet, tears still drop, heart still aching whenever I think of her.


I miss her.
Despite seeing her suffering, I would choose to let her go.
Now that She's with Grandpa.
May her soul rest in peace.

-Ko Chek-
-Bong Kang-
-Combit Combit-

am still couldn't accept the fact that,
she is gone.

- be my grandma next life. -

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